my mistakes :(

did i mention i'm perfect?

i'm sure i did mention it at some point.


but it's not a static perfection. it's not even perfection at all.

i'm not perfect (and i'm not sure i ever want to be, but that's another story)



today i saw a kitten die

there was a cat with lots of kittens in the parking lot at the taxi station. and the kittens were under one of the cars.

when the guy started the car i thought they might get killed.

and i did nothing. nothing at all.

and it happened.



now it's eating me: maybe if i had said something it woudn't have happened.

i say to myself it doesn't matter; it was just a kitten; but it's still eating me.

i say to myself i shouldn't dwell on what ifs and maybes. yet i still do.



over the past few days i've told some people (in different contexts) that things are as they should be. i belive it's all for the better. i'm not sure it helped them.


now, i find myself telling myself things are as they should be;
and that i learned something about myself from this.

but i cannot reduce a kitten's life to a lesson. feels wrong! i mean i did learn something about myself.

but that death was still a mistake. my mistake.



sometimes writing on a weblog is better than seing a psichiatrist :|