Tuesday, January 31
today i got my finger free (no more embalming) and went on the skates again (infact I just arrived home).
Damn, I missed it! The physical exercise ... after it you remain with a sense of ... fulfillment ... but contrary to these words, I didn't find this feeling when I was going to the gym ...
Call it a dose of endorphines if you will ... I will keep on calling it fulfillment.
Anyway, I hopefully will keep to writing in here when something changes (like me being in a new project - I didn't feel like posting about it - probably wasn't out of my 'dark vision' period yet).
Also, Saturday I've been invited to a small B-day party, planned another outing with the skates with A, and (weather permitting) a diving trip with P & K.
What do you know? Things are finally looking up.
Especially since I managed to get out of my 'run after others' for a piece of happiness.
yup! definitely! things are looking up!
have a nice night everybody!
Saturday, January 21
today a good friend of mine raised his voice on me, for something i considered a matter of etiquette (how does one spell etiquette anyway); then he stormed away.
i remained there passing through a range of states:
first was the 'being upset' part; the 'why did he do that' and 'i didn't deserve that' part; it took me close to five minute to shift focus within.
second, here is what i come up with, as a result of my shift in focus:
i don't have the power, nor the right to decide what you should be, do or have.
nor do i want them ( except for the moments when I do, but i'm not there now :) ).
it is your responsability to decide who you are and what image you may cast upon the mirrors around you; and the best part is that what you choose is not my concern at all.
that responsibility is to yourself (and to whom you want to see when you look in the mirror) not to me.
third, since after finding this out didn't bring my peace back, i looked further, and i found ... disappointment.
it seems to me that the hardest part of practicing seeing the best in the others is not deluding yourself.
thank heavens for disillusionment: it allows whoever is looking to see that others are whole not because they have no deffects, but inspite of them; thus, since defects - however one might see them - never 'chip' that perfection away, they are not defects at all.
the perfection never went away :)
in the end, disillusionment is good.
have a nice weekend.
Friday, January 20
Wednesday, January 18
why am I doing this?
In my moments of no-confusion (mostly in the mornings), i know where i am; i can see clearly the missing part as not really being a missing ... anything; i see the circumstance as perfect and complete and balanced; the minute perfection of the ... 'nothing in particular' ...
... and now, i remember that.
after loosing this 'no-confusion' state, anxiety appears again; i come back to the same patterns, same tensions, keeping to the same mistakes.
what am i trying to accomplish? what do i think i'm getting?
i know i'm getting old :)
... but the clarity of my view is coming into focus more often, and waiting for you turns into another illusion.
Tuesday, January 17
i felt i had to get out some things that i didn't want other people to see (friends of mine reading this weblog mostly)...
... and my weblog died (i no longer wrote in it and when i did, it was to keep it from dieing); maybe it's the same with life ... you keep on with what you feel you have to do, and put what represents you somewhere else ... where your friends won't see it; and then you die also.
so, here is my 'other blog'; i'll delete it in some time, or just leave it as is and restart blogging here;
the point i am trying to make here ... is ... not!
if you expect me here to try and tell you something ... anything ... i don't care!
go and do something usefull with your lives instead of reading a damn useless weblog!
read a book!
Friday, January 13
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. You are paid well, but your pimp gets most of themoney.
4. You spend a majority of your time in anair-conditioned room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can beextended for the right price.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult to have a family.
9. You have no job satisfaction.
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do fora living.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (atleast the reunions you attend.)
14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with other "professionals."
15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM)
21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
25. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."
Wednesday, January 11
the process involved holding the body in salt in order to separate the moisture ans inserting all kinds of herbs into ... but lets not get into any gruesome details.
nowadays, the proceess is a bit different: first, you fall while skating, and hit your small finger;
then, you get convinced it's nothing and it'll pass in a few days;
then you talk to your friends and hear all kinds of horor stories like
a friend of mine had something like that, he didn't go to the doctor, and twenty years later he got cancer and died
ok, the stories weren't like that, but they convinced me to go to the clinic anyway.
i got some nice pictures of my small finger (and the nice double fracture i had in it);
i also got to chat with the nice lady doing the nice pictures ... and when i thought everything was allright in the world (hey, she had a nice smile!), this old mr. doctor guy came, and started embalming me.
methinks it's called a cast.
so that's it: no more scuba and no more skating! i need someone to tell me i have to be responsible, and it'll be like being married!
all that said, skating is still nice, and i would do it again (and probably will when the cast is off)
just part of the game i guess...
Thursday, January 5
So, as a self-proclaimed expert on skating against the wind, here's my expert advice:
don't do it! It's freakin' exhausting!
(I'll probably go at it this evening also :) )
Monday, January 2
I just spent close to three hours in the parking lot behind the company, getting to a basic level:
I managed to turn, break and accelerate, managed some short, easy slopes and at the moment I’m working at those turning brakes and doing those long slides on one foot at a time.
I can’t wait for tomorrow evening :D
i just bought a pair of Rocces skates, and this evening i’m taking them on a date :D
i can’t wait (and i hope i won’t break anything in the parking lot).
wish me luck