Thursday, January 11

Have you ever killed your name?

I read fan-fiction; a lot of it ...
I have friends who play World of Warcraft;
... and friends who read novels;
I have a friend who has a passion for movies, some who enjoy playing Counter-Strike, and I'm sure the others have other measures of entertainment of the same kind.

Its all the same: one gets engrossed in an activity that proposes another framework as real, a different set of rules, with victories and losses, values, risks and uncertainties and ... and in the end all of us are just telling ourselves stories, believing them and living them (be it for an ninety minutes, a few hours or a few years).

What I only just realized, is that we do the same when we don't acknowledge the story, when we don't know the framework isn't real: I tell myself I'm a programmer, a tourist sometimes "visiting this or that", motorbike driver, a "PADI Resque Diver", Reiki practitioner, vegetarian, curious, "Romanian living in Cyprus", friendly, well-intended and lots and lots of other different tags and legends.

Its still the same, story after story, victories following losses, values risks and uncertainties: its all just new frameworks, new stories.

In the end I'm really not a programmer, not a bike-rider, not a Reiki practitioner, not a ... not anything!

If I dig deep enough, I'm the small boy, who used to go with his brother in the afternoons through the park in Bucharest, for tennis lessons, wondering when it all went "zu Helle" and what in God's name happened ... (that happened while I was in second or third grade in case anyone's actually wondering).

Its all just a different story, along with my name, nicknames, my preference for darker color clothing and newly discovered passion for photography, me answering the phone and this body becoming sick.
Have you ever killed your name?

Its a trance technique that usually leaves me feeling powerful ... or maybe just free.

I watch it all, see the drama come to pass, then transform into memory; and the memory, like judgements and descriptions, is just another story.

I need some sleep.

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