Thursday, August 23

the marine: a surprizing movie

It's one o'clock in the morning, and I couldn't sleep. I figured, a no brainer movie should put me right to sleep, with no problems.

I figured wrong.

Has anybody seen this movie? If you have, I'm sorry!

It's not that I want to badmouth the movie ... wait! Yes, it is: I want to badmouth the movie!

The Marine really is a no brainer, but not in the sense that it doesn't engage your brain to watch it: in the sense that you cannot watch it, unless you only have strait electroencephalograph lines.

It's like this:

We have the MarineTM, called John. Every time you want to designate a typical modest American - (especially if he's a hero for his country) his name is John. I think this started with "John Rambo" but I digress.

What's remarkable about him is that he's huge and makes a glorious entrance (first few minutes), by being heavily painted on the face while he butchers the "Arab terrorist camp" (they are all shooting at him while he butchers them by the way, all within 10 meters or so, but that doesn't matter because ... because he's big, or because he's the Average American Hero, or simply because he's a MarineTM - I'm not sure).
Once he's finished with butchering the terrorists (which is OK, because everybody knows that, like the Japanese, the Arabs have no soul), he butchers the "military terrorist attack helicopter" that flies above and tries to shoot things around. I'm not kidding, the dialog is like this:
How are we going to get past the helicopter?
We're not: we'll get through it!

Kids, don't try destroying a military helicopter at home!

Either way, after he ... dispatches the terrorists and their military helicopter and saves the American hostages with no problems (because he's John, the MarineTM), he gets discharged, on a technicality, so his life suddenly looses any purpose and direction and we can get to sympathize with the hero and his drama - the drama being that he' this super-resourceful Average American HeroTM, who's really adaptable to all situations, but doesn't know what to do when discharged (don't laugh, it's dramatic!).

His reaction to being discharged is "but Sir ... I'm a Marine!" (kind of reminded me of "but ... it has electrolytes!")

Either way, let's get past the ... emotional depth of the dialog and characters, and get to the action:

Some Very Tough RobbersTM steal 12 million in diamonds, then kidnap his wive (of course), then the whole movie is about him following them, lots of explosions, and something different knocking him out, every other minute or so.

Did you know that all explosions look as if what exploded was gasoline vapors?
I didn't, but I guess we all learn something new every day.

The first explosion is a gas-station, exploding with him inside; then, he falls (fifty to a hundred meters) from a speeding police car (that has around three hundred bullet holes in it but keeps speeding with no problems), running over a cliff and into a swamp. Then he follows the kidnappers through the swamp (because he's a MarineTM) only to get captured in a poacher's trap (not a MarineTM any longer) and hit over the head by the poachers with a club (MarinesTM are only immortal for explosions and bullets, not clubs).

He escapes from being bound to a chair, by jumping with it 1 meter high in the air and spinning so he will fall diagonally on the chair, making it break (that was a new one: I'll have to try it sometimes, as it's a very useful skill to have), then continues to search for his wife, through the swamp, as if nothing happened (everybody knows that MarinesTM never get bruises).

I stopped watching somewhere around this point, as I couldn't take it any longer.


Even if I didn't see it until the end, here's how the movie ends: he defeats the terrorists one by one, in close combat (because he's a MarineTM), then takes out their leader (the meanest of them all) and saves his wife.

It may be, that the Terrorist Chick Who Dresses In Black LeatherTM is defeated by his wife, because she's the wife of a MarineTM (this is the only thing I'm not very sure of).

In the end, I learned an important lesson: the next time I won't be able to sleep, I'll simply get drunk: it kills fewer neurons!

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